jueves, 29 de agosto de 2013
Wedding jokes
Wedding jokes
+ James was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He says "James, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here honey, try these on. So, she did and said, Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied,...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says James. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honey moon James takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So James says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will & don't you ever forget that.
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to James and says, "Here, you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't even get into your pants."
So Jill says,"...exactly. And if your #*cking attitude doesn't change, you never will.
+ Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
+ One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she then says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?!"
So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day the we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store...We walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each -- to which I replied, "OK." And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. -- where she gets a set of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited! She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a
loop when I told her that it was OK. She seemed almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
+ I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
+ I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
+ In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
+ Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
- Two mothers-in-law.
+ Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
+ A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
+ How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
+ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
+ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
+ A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
+ Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
+ Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage......... I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?"......................
His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, "How about a blow job??".....and she's always sound asleep.
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says James. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honey moon James takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So James says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will & don't you ever forget that.
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to James and says, "Here, you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't even get into your pants."
So Jill says,"...exactly. And if your #*cking attitude doesn't change, you never will.
+ Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
+ One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she then says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?!"
So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day the we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store...We walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each -- to which I replied, "OK." And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. -- where she gets a set of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited! She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a
loop when I told her that it was OK. She seemed almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
+ I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
+ I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
+ In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
+ Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
- Two mothers-in-law.
+ Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
+ A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
+ How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
+ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
+ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
+ A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
+ Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
+ Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage......... I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?"......................
His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, "How about a blow job??".....and she's always sound asleep.
+ Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
+ Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
A. Because it's worth it.
+ Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Reasons For Drinking Alcohol
Reasons For Drinking Alcohol
· It’s an incentive to show up
· It leads to more honest communication
· It reduces complaints about low pay
· Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear
· It encourages car pooling
· It increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care
· It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work
· It makes fellow employees look better
· Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted
· Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable
· Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar
· It makes everyone more open with their ideas
· It eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch breaks
· It increases the chance of seeing your boss naked
· Employees no longer need coffee in the morning to sober up
· Sitting “bare assed” on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross”.
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'This Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos, which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later.." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a Breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? he yells. “You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet,” slurs the drunk,” and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot!
You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
Quick Fire!
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the barman says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
This white horse walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a whisky. The barman says, "We have Johnny Walker, J&B, Grants and we even have one named after you!" The horse replies, "Really? You have a whisky named Eric?!"
This baby seal walks into a bar and the barman says, "What'll you have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the barman. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other. "Okay," replied the barman, "That'll be one Blood and one Blood Lithe."
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A seal walked into a club.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says
"Pint please, and one for the road."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A seal walked into a club.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A seal walked into a club.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
jueves, 22 de agosto de 2013
Jokes of Blondes
Jokes of Blondes
Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the
passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde
looks out the window and says, `Yes. No. Yes. No.
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
Knock
Knock
Who`s
there?
Yo
mama.
Yo
mama who?
Yo
blonde redneck mama who crossed the road to walk into a bar and screw in a
lightbulb - you know your fat, dumb, drunk, crooked-politician lawyer mama, who
pleasures 12 inch pianists.
Two
blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When
a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the
bus driver:`Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?`
The
bus driver shakes his head and says,`No, I`m sorry.`
At
this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: `Will it take ME?`
A
beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach
section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first
class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and
more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant
checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The
blond replies, `I`m young, blond and beautiful, and I`m going to sit here all
the way to LA.`
Flustered,
the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond
problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in
coach.
Again,
the blond replies, `I`m young, blond and beautiful, and I`m going to sit here
all the way to LA.`
The
captain doesn`t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to
discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond
girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and
briefly whispers something into the blonde`s ear.
She
immediately gets up, says, `Thank you so much,` hugs the co-pilot, and rushes
back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were
watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the
woman.
He
replies, `I just told her that the first class section isn`t going to LA.
Joke of Policemen
Joke of Policemen
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, `Take that sheep to the zoo, now.`
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, `What on earth are you doing with that
sheep?`
The guy says, `What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I`m
taking him to the movies.`
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, `I`ve lost my dad!`
The cop asked, `What`s he like?`
The little boy replied, `Beer and women with big boobs.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When
he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the
restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The
panda bear tells the policeman that he`s innocent and, if he didn`t believe
him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up
`panda bear.` It says, `Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes
on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. `I can`t
do that, officer.` `Why not?` `Because I`m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma
attack if I blow into that tube.` `Okay, we`ll just get a urine sample down at
the station.` `Can`t do that either, officer.` `Why not?` `Because I`m a
diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.` `Alright, we could
get a blood sample.` `Can`t do that either, officer.` `Why not?` `Because I`m a
hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.` `Fine then, just walk this white line.`
`Can`t do that either, officer.` `Why not?` `Because I`m drunk.
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman. The policeman
said, `Take that sheep to the zoo, now.`Next day the policeman sees the man
with the sheep again.The policeman stops the guy and says, `What on earth are
you doing with that sheep?`The guy says, `What is there to do? Yesterday I took
him to the zoo and now I``m taking him to the movies.
The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your
records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away
yesterday!"
lunes, 19 de agosto de 2013
I've Fallen
I've Fallen
There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."
A Father's Last Request
A Father's Last Request
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."
domingo, 18 de agosto de 2013
Wife jokes
Wife Jokes
Funny Bar Joke, Failed Pick Up Line
A drunk goes over to a pretty lady at a bar and kisses her.
She stands up and slaps him across the face.
“I’m sorry,” he says “You look just like my wife. I though you were her.”
Furious, she yells at him, “Why you blasted no good drunk. How dare you touch me. You disgusting pervert!”
“Wow, you even sound like her.” replies the drunk.
Cheating Wife Joke
Tom is having trouble with his wife. He tells his psychiatrist about his troubles.
“Doctor, I don’t know what to. Every night my wife goes to a bar, gets drunk, and picks up the first guy who talks to her. She is sleeping with the entire city and it’s driving me crazy!”
The psychiatrist says to Tom, “Calm down, calm down, it’s going to be OK. Now tell me exactly where this bar is located.”
I’ve Lost My Wife Joke
Don goes up to a beautiful women in the mall and says, “I’ve lost my wife, would you do me a favor and talk to me for a few minutes.”
Puzzled, she asks him how talking to him would help him his wife again.
Don replies, “Well, whenever I talk to gorgeous woman my wife aways turns up out of nowhere.”
Do You Love Me Joke
It’s in the Garden Of Eden and Eve is feeling a bit of relationship angst about her marriage with Adam.
She asks Adam “Do you love me?”
Adam replies, “Of course dear.” and them mutters to himself “Do I have a choice?”
Not Attractive Anymore Joke, Marriage Jokes
Rachel and Jennifer, married older women, are been friends for years. Rachel doesn’t think her husband finds her attractive any more.
“As I get older my husband doesn’t look at me anymore.” she complains to Jennifer.
“Really, it’s the opposite by me, the older I get the more my husband looks at me.” replies Jennifer.
“That’s because your husband is an antique dealer!” exclaims Rachel.
Wife’s Birthday Joke
What’s the best way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it just once.
Rich Old Man Joke
A rich penny-pinching elderly man is on his deathbed. He turns to his long-suffering wife and says, “I want to take my money with me when I die. Promise me you’ll put it in the coffin with me.” His wife promises.
At the funeral, the new widow goes to the coffin and slips a box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. “Are you nuts?” she exclaims “He’s dead! Take the money for yourself.”
“I promised him I would and so I did. But, don’t worry.” the widow reassures her “I placed all the money in a new account I opened under my own name. Then I wrote him a check which I just placed in the coffin. He needs to deposit it to get the money. If he can cash it he can spend it!”
Waiting For Wife Joke
Optimist
A husband who keeps the motor running while waiting for his wife to finish getting dressed.
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Wedding jokes + James was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He says "James, let me te... -
Reasons For Drinking Alcohol · It’s an incentive to show up · It leads to more honest communication · It reduces complaints ... -
Wife Jokes Funny Bar Joke, Failed Pick Up Line A drunk goes over to a pretty lady at a bar and kisses her. She stands up a... -
Joke of Policemen A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, `Take that sheep to the zoo, now... -
I've Fallen There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sund... -
Good Jokes W hat’s black and white and red all over. A newspaper. What happens to a grape when an elephant steps on it? It le...
-
A Father's Last Request A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light s...
-
Jokes of B londes Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and ask...